|Sing me somthing soft and sweet or loud and out of key, sing me anything
||[Oct. 29th, 2009|11:45 am]
I never write in here any more, melo seemed more understanding of my blogging needs. I really wish that you could hear the choking noises I make in my head when I say things like this. |
My mother found this awhile back, and didn't tell me, sneaky sneaky women. I had to pay to make it all private so she wouldn't read any more.
I feel like being honest these days, it's time to overcome silly games.
I realized recently that I never forgive anyone. I'm still upset about every heartbreak and every wrongdoing however small they may be.
Recently I've been stuck on trying to figure out how to be a functional human being. I think not wanting to avoid the entire planet is part of that, and maybe not hating everyone I ever met is a good way to go about that. I think it's really unfair that my parents weren't able to teach me anything about life really. They didn't make or spend money in normal ways; they were constantly going back into debt and filled voids with spoiling. When I grew up and I had money it never seemed real, it just seemed like a means to get more or what I wanted. Going into debt never seemed like something to worry about because money felt so fake and I had seen my mother do it endless amounts of times. I'm pissed off that fiscal responsibility is something that I have to figure out when I'm twenty.
I'm upset that my parents didn't love each other. That they didn't deal with each other or with me. There was yelling and avoiding but never any sort of conflict resolution; we always just waited for the next explosion.
I just don't know how people are supposed to figure out how to be functional when we are the products of our environment, we learn from example.
I'm not trying to complain about life being too hard or blame all my personal fucked up anxieties on other people, I'm trying not to be broken and have excuses but everything is easier said and done.
I get so sad and stuck in my head about situations, I just need to sit and figure out how to fix everything as if they were things to be fixed, as if they were broken, most things just are. I spend so much time on the thinking portion of things that I never get around to dosaymake parts of them or everything has changed by the time I've reached any sort of resolution.
I miss that feeling of delicious discomfort, of sitting on the edge of my seat eating popcorn waiting to see what would unfold next, of anything being good let alone amazing.
But you and I too and no longer the same people that we used to be, I know this.
I'm not meaning to dwell on situations that shouldn't matter but I am stuck on this; I feel very much attacked by the entire Ryan situation. I'm still not sure why any of it happened, otherwise I'd be done. I make mistakes of getting fucked up and blacking out situations. My anxiety gets bad and when anything intimate happens (whatever intimate nature may be) I black out. I black out having sex, really important situations, and crying mostly. Me getting drunk started with me very honestly being depressed and wanting to sink into my own depression. I was convinced to hate life with him. I woke up in the middle of the night to being kissed as he moved away, with no memory of how I ended up somewhere for him to move away from. The next night as we were talking I got overwhelmed from not knowing what I wanted so I moved. Ryan came over and started yelling about our games being the same and calling me out on my shit. I'll be the first to admit that I have shit to be called out, and I'll admit that many of Mr. Kadevaris accusations were correct, but he kept on accusing me of being mad at him. I wasn't mad, I was just confused. After he turned away from me I went and sat next to him. We talked about the alleged game and we talked candidly and I calmed down. We talked about Joni Mitchell and Jane Austin and laughed. I went and took a shot with someone and they asked if I came down from Irvine with him, if we were an item. I woke up in the morning in the crook of him. I got up, freaked out, ran to the bathroom, put pants on and collapsed back down. Kissing was light and tender, not ravenous and horny and movement felt easy. After that I extended ways of trying to talk that were avoided. It could have been an easy hint to get lost but it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that I was attacked and then backed away from so quickly. When I finally received a response it was insolent at best. My attempts to contact him weren't to try and force him into any sort of anything with me, I wasn't upset. I was just confused about various aspects of what had happened and wanted clarification. I just wanted to know where we both stood so that this situation didn't come back and bite me. I find it immature that somebody was refusing to adamantly to give me a piece of mind. I'm offended that somebody would come on so strongly and then blame me for things that caught me off guard.
Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if Erik would still be my friend.
Maybe I really just haven't forgiven Sterling and that's why this is so hard.
Really, I'm just tired of people being assholes and you're supposed to just excuse that. I'm tired of the fact that you're supposed to ignore being hurt because that's just the way things are and they shouldn't matter.
I've been feeling like I've been going crazy lately, that everything is upside down and nothing around me makes sense. I'm trying to talk less and hide my anxiety better. I'm trying to be more productive. I'm trying to get back to eating healthier because my hips are popping once again.
I'm tired of feeling crazy and unlovable and I'm tired of being tired.
Of course, this doesn't actually say what I want it to. I understand that this is nowhere near good by any means, but I just wanted to put it out there/